One Year Exactly, I'm Fleeting

I'm on the cusp of something great, I can tell.
I am on the verge of creating something so beautiful, but I don't know how.
Between the movie industry, the Catholic school system, and the pressure of the curves of my body, I cannot keep up.
The stares and compliments, are they real?
Are they fake like my sanity?
What am I doing right now, right this second?
Do I deserve the simple jacket that is on my back.
Am I even good enough for the words that are created my strokes of my fingers,
and subtle thoughts in the back on my head?
Who am I?
Because ever since I scratched those words on my wall barely a year ago,
I've never been able to answer it.
I could answer with a bunch of whitty one liners and movie references.
Or by the list of people I love and respect.
But either way, I don't know how to describe who I am without talking about something or someone else.
Than, am I anyone more than a list of irrelavent objects?

In two weeks, I have done so many upside down things.
1. I broke up with the boy that I love very much, for a chance at life.
2. I tore a different boy's heart apart that has loved me for a long time. I brought up and let down my very best friend.
3. I fell head over heels for a boy that was there through it all and that gives me butterflies on impact.

These three things weren't even in my realm of thought a month ago.
My life was a set ordeal, it had a neat schedule I could follow and cross things out with a pen.
But that just isn't me.
I want to live life and try everything.
I love you, Sean Childs.
You know I do and I always will.
One day, I hope we end up together.
But for now, I have to do this for me.
I have to buy pretty dresses and designer shoes and wear them all night.
I have to try.

Tomorrow is the lunch with the new boy as "friends".
But for me, it will never be that easy.
I've got everything up my sleeve.
You are just another way to live life.