I Am Everything Short of Special

I hear words, I analyze them, and I make them fit my mental frame.
I cannot let words that will hurt me make their way around my heart.
Because they will shoot through my veins and cripple me.
But as I am hearing the real meaning of them, I can't help but wonder.
What was really said?
What was really meant?

I can't handle the disappointment and the stress.
I tried so hard.
I looked my best, acted my best, laughed at all his jokes.
I tried to play the game, wait to text, wait to even acknowledge.
That isn't me.
I can't play games.
I don't do subtle.

Time sucks.
Everything about waiting, sucks.

Get a grip on life, Melissa.
Before it gets a grip on you.

After the Fact

Today was lunch.
It was perfect.
I sound like a third grader trying to make sentences.
He opened the door for me, let me order first, never looked at his phone, and paid for me.
I don't remember what it's like to be treated that way.
We talked about everything.
And it made me feel more useful and purposeful than I ever have.
I like this boy.

He told BD that it wouldn't be fair if we were together right now.
Because of the mind set he is in.
You know, his ex really fucked him up.
And I don't understand how anyone could give him up.
But he said that he is protecting me and my best interest.

Well, personally, I hope that he changes his mind soon.
I can't keep buying new heels and dresses everytime we hang out.
:)

Boooo, I just want him to give in.
I hope there really is something to give in to.

One Year Exactly, I'm Fleeting

I'm on the cusp of something great, I can tell.
I am on the verge of creating something so beautiful, but I don't know how.
Between the movie industry, the Catholic school system, and the pressure of the curves of my body, I cannot keep up.
The stares and compliments, are they real?
Are they fake like my sanity?
What am I doing right now, right this second?
Do I deserve the simple jacket that is on my back.
Am I even good enough for the words that are created my strokes of my fingers,
and subtle thoughts in the back on my head?
Who am I?
Because ever since I scratched those words on my wall barely a year ago,
I've never been able to answer it.
I could answer with a bunch of whitty one liners and movie references.
Or by the list of people I love and respect.
But either way, I don't know how to describe who I am without talking about something or someone else.
Than, am I anyone more than a list of irrelavent objects?

In two weeks, I have done so many upside down things.
1. I broke up with the boy that I love very much, for a chance at life.
2. I tore a different boy's heart apart that has loved me for a long time. I brought up and let down my very best friend.
3. I fell head over heels for a boy that was there through it all and that gives me butterflies on impact.

These three things weren't even in my realm of thought a month ago.
My life was a set ordeal, it had a neat schedule I could follow and cross things out with a pen.
But that just isn't me.
I want to live life and try everything.
I love you, Sean Childs.
You know I do and I always will.
One day, I hope we end up together.
But for now, I have to do this for me.
I have to buy pretty dresses and designer shoes and wear them all night.
I have to try.

Tomorrow is the lunch with the new boy as "friends".
But for me, it will never be that easy.
I've got everything up my sleeve.
You are just another way to live life.